esmio06: (Default)
Been shopping for a place, house, to rent up in Duluth area to be near work.
Strange how looking at houses again brings back certain memories and feelings. Oh well, dont remember who said it but it is true. the pain never really goes away, but most of the time i have learned to tuck it away in darker corners of my heart. As long as I dont do stupid things like look at old pics, most days are actually good.

3 things Im grateful for
1) Staying up way way way too late on a work night with friends at karaoke
2) Getting one of my projects to pilot phase
3) Good workouts and heavy disks of iron

Some days that list is easier than others. Number one seems to always be easy and always involve my friends and thank god for them, yall because yall, hell I dont even have words for what yall have done for me.

What is weird is Im still not convinced im gonna make it. 4 months now, and hell most days are good as I said, but the bad days are still fucking bad. And half the time that I close my eyes, I still see her face. Do they ever completely go away? Hell am I confusing just being lonely for missing her? Not even sure I can tell anymore most days some days, staring at pics of us in Fla or Baton rouge, it is her, but other days, most days, I think it is just loneliness.

The past few imes I ave had days like this it was just one day, or part of onethe passed, but this one has bothered to stick around since Sunday night.

Loneliness is a weird thing; a big part of it comes from the comfort that was in the old relationship, and not wanting to work to get to that level again. that learning curve period that I used to love so much, is now kind of dreaded.

Something has got to give, self medescaping is getting old and frankly, trying to sleep sober is still not an option most days.

To the people that are sick of hearing about this and say just get ovr it, sorry to ramble about he same ole broken record.
esmio06: (Default)
Afraid to close my eyes, here I lie
Struggling, staring, anything but sleep
Sleep brings the dreams, the delusions,
The oh so wondrous nightmares
A tear rolls down my cheek as I awaken
Dammit
Sleep won again, morning came and the nightmare ended
Now reality sets in
What my dreams made me forget is evident once again as I roll over to an empty bed.
No, it isn’t the sleeping that truly scares me, it is the waking afterwards.

March 2017

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