Been a lot of good days; but, bad ones still happen. I miss Pi as much if not more than I miss her. Ready made family is awesome until you are no longer part of it and then you lose everything, not just your partner.
I want her and Pi to be happy.
I'm feeling a little defeated.
Thinking about pi, it is hard to not feel empty. I won't even be a memory in a few years if I'm even a memory already.
I am now legally single.
We had a good talk after. She is a wonderful woman and I definitely feel the loss.
Two days in a row in the studio. Bitter sweet. I miss my muse and cannot wait to find another, rather it is romantic or not. A muse helps.
But it is still going well. I feel the art again. That is nice.
So after a couple bad days, and it had been a little while of good days before that, the good is back.
My head is clearing a little more each day. I still miss her, but that is ok.
Life is. That is my new key. It is. It is bad, it is good, it is dull, it is exciting, it is frustrating, it is gratifying. It is.
I have been sad and hurt before. But I have never felt like my destiny just changed, like I'm on the wrong path now.
I'm doing a lot of right things and they feel right, but the feel slightly off too.
I know with the part of me that knows things that I am out of phase or sync.
I do believe in fate, I also believe in free will which can sure fuck fate up.
So last night, after getting back from the learning center, I began to move my painting did into the new studio area. Lot of work to do before it will be usable, but hopefully by the time I get back from hhi this weekend all of my solid I ordered should be in so I can start painting again.
Yesterday was the best day yet. I was able to meditate for a long time. During that and even later in the evening, I was able to observe moments of sadness and not feel devastated.
Today was not so good. I felt lost several times today. But, talked to caleb and was able to do a walking meditation to get back Yuo an ok place the last time. After that the sadness came several times; but, it did not overwhelm me.
So today was moving day. I saw her. I saw her pain. She hurts too, but yet here we are anyways. I truly am grateful for the time we had. But, fuck I don't want this to end. I am literally nauseated and disoriented. This is real. And I honestly don't know if I'm going to make it. I... Fuck I don't even know what to say. This is devastating.
Since I cannot look at anything except my side of the street; and, thus cannot correct out change her actions our desires, i can only look at me, my regrets and my lessons learned.
The inability to be polyamorous had left me what would you call it nullamorous?
But I do have to be true to myself. I find my thoughts spend more time reflecting on the good memories, and the lessons learned than they do on the regrets.
We were good together. She was good for me. Yes, I hope that one day we can be together again; but, I know reality. More important is that I do believe I have become a better man for having known her. And I pray that I become even a better man through this loss.
Yeah that about sums it up.
I am extremely broken and lacking all of my confidence now. I seem, to me, like I'm gripped and paralyzed by hurt and fear. Yet, my feet keep moving; I keep working and doing what I need to do. Day by day it doesn't feel better, time has healed nothing yet, too soon. However, I am still breathing and functioning and know that I will heal, at least some.
I feel lost. Words seem about half an hour behind my thoughts which seem to be about a day behind my actions.
But at least the actions are getting done.
Steps forward are getting complete even when I actually don't remember doing them. And no I'm not on drugs. Just on denial.
I'm not handling this well at all. I know that denial is natural, but there feels like more. I swear I feel like something in the spirit is wrong now and is not how it is supposed to be. Not just denial, but hard to explain. Like a possible future is dissolving ( to make it sounds scifi ish)
So when you see an outcome to something early on and people always claim it read self fulfilling, isn't it just possible that maybe you were just right?
