esmio06: (Default)

Years fly by
Little did I think that I would be 49 already. Just a few minutes ago I was in my twenties, living in my car and trying to figure out who I wanted to be. Now, I'm almost 49 years old. That blows my mind.
The number of different people I have been so far in this life amazes me. Each of them had plans and drains that seen so unrelated. Well some of them have had common ground. I have been through several iterations of David since finally landing in a career. Even while those stated focused in one area, work, they diverged in almost every other.
One thread I can think of that has remained constant is my desire to help others. I have never forgotten where I have been and am fortunate to see my struggles in others.
Through these brief lifetimes, over the lady 49 years, I have had so many I wanted to say to so many people. But those words went unspoken. Usually it was fear that kept me from speaking. I think this iteration of David has done better with facing that fear.
This thought was triggered by a line of a perm, I will one day write, that kept running through my head, " oh, the plans that I made for the words that I saved."
I haven't written anything,  except work stuff and political diatribes, in so long that I don't even know if words will flow any more.
I need a good pen, a notebook and a noisy bar. Maybe this weekend :)
I sure have the pain welling in me. The asset needs to come out somehow. Painting isn't a release right now; so, maybe back to some rambling.

One year

Feb. 21st, 2017 12:06 am
esmio06: (Default)

I moved out one year ago right around now. I would expect to be more healed than this. I still seem to compare every date i have to her...

Rant on

Feb. 10th, 2017 02:30 am
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I really hope when trump dies of natural causes, he comes back as an ameba trapped in the bowels of a lactose intolerant cheese eater

esmio06: (Default)

It is cool to look back and see how much more frequent my posts up here used to be and how much more intense the feeling was.
Tonight I hurt. I'm sad. But as I look back and remember how I felt a few months ago, this is almost nothing. Yes I miss her. Yes, for some reason I still love her and want her back. But, I basically just see that feeling as it happens. It does not consumer me or honestly even allow me down. It is real and it is there. But it is almost irrelevant.
Very strange.
On a happier not a good friend just had her first Insta intense feeling relationship. It is so cool to watch. I know that feeling. Personally I won't settle for anything short of it and it is so cool to see somebody experiencing it for the first time.


Dec. 24th, 2016 04:06 pm
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Well I have been doing good not really thinking about the season, working out and playing video games for entertainment. Plan ijeju tomorrow then a friend's for dinner.
However, today is not good. I'm fighting loneliness and depression.

esmio06: (Default)

The brew masquerade, old future, is still one of my favorite venues. I live hour the sound can be perfectly loud enough on the dance floor and we can still talk at the bar without screaming.
Had a great time seeing old and new faces. I really wish I could have shared this memory with her. She still is the better part of my favorite memories.
That being said, I was sad, but I was not down. If that makes sense. I had a great time. I loved every minute of tonight's adventure.
I hope to see more of the old school people who actually dance next month. The music was awesome tonight.

No trip

Dec. 15th, 2016 09:42 pm
esmio06: (Default)

Well I did not get to go to Mexico. It was not my fear that stopped me. Mom took a turn for the worse and I had to go home for a few days. She is eating again so that is good, but they don't think it will be for very long. This is a normal phase.
I habe known this was coming for the last decade. I just did not think I would be facing out sooner. Ok that is not fair I have great friends and family. But still...

esmio06: (Default)

One thing I got from my ex, ok two things: a love of scuba diving, and she got me to start trying to beat my phobia of flying.
Well next Saturday I'm going to Cancun alone. This is the first time in well over a decade i have gotten on a plane alone.
Freaking out a little, but also excited.
Keep me in your thoughts.


Nov. 26th, 2016 03:26 am
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So I had told myself I would wait a year after the break io before looking for another relationship while working on myself. Now, eight months into that, I'm second guessing that.

esmio06: (Default)

I have been in a strange mood this weekend my mind has been giving into a lot of wondering what if and being self indulgent in its misery.
What is writers is it never gripped me I just kind of say back and watched it. It is hour strange things can trigger the mind going places it ought not go. Like this morning I was scrambling up some eggs with door cheese (fake) Turkey, spinach, and mushrooms and i remembered doing that for her many times. I did, almost in third person, and watched my mind go down that path. It was not actually bad, even though I used the word misery earlier. It really was fine. It was very interesting to observe where there were painful memories and where there were pleasant ones without being pulled into the emotional spiral.
Maybe some of this mediation stuff is starting to sink in; or, maybe I was just hung over. Kind of hard to tell the difference some days.

esmio06: (Default)

Most humans are forgotten to have ever existed after two generations.

I remember reading Gilgamesh as a teen. Yes I know I was weird. The thought stuck with me: immortality is being remembered. How will my life impact others and how long will it be remembered? Those were the questions that drove a lot of my character formation.

NoW, life over half over and I have been truly lucky. Another thing that struck me at Young age: a man can count himself truly blessed is, at his death bed, he can count two true friends. I have more true friends than I can count. I have a very successful career. I have treated love (thought it was lost, I have tasted it). Yet, I know that, like the rest of the world, within two generations, I still have never existed.
It is not an easy calling to leave a lasting impact on the world. Hell, it is not an easy calling to leave am impact on a family name. Very few ever achieve it, and thus we remember their names and deeds.
My heart has to change. I, in all likelihood will not impact anything enough to be remembered in one hundred years. It is fairly narcissistic to think I could.
The question note lies in the arena: what can I do for true lasting happiness now; if there is no eternal remembrance to be achieved? I know this life is but party of a journey. What foundation do I note lay for the future parts?
I look back, at a life over half complete, and think of the best memories. Those were always in service to others. Bringing a smile to somebody's face, helping a strange, lnowing that I had helped alleviate any suffering, these were the brightest moments. Of course having a family and being a step dad was the brightest by far, but assuming that path is now past, the true happiness seems to only be found in helping others.
So, reflecting on that thought, in my successful career, there is very little room our time for that. Do I now look to a new career, that will pay less that a quarter what I now make, where I can help others; our, do I try to find a way to help other while doing what I now do?
These are but questions for anybody reading. They are the questions I must answer myself.
"When I hurt most, then may I help most.  When I have joy, may I not relish in it; rather, may I find a way of spreading the joy."
When I was a teenager, a have myself a credo, " may all those who pass through my life be better for having known me." I fall short of it so often; but, it has always been in the back of my mind. This is not a statement of how good I am.  It is a challenge to myself. Show love. Show compassion. Show gratitude. Not by my words, but by my life may these ideals be shown.
No matter what had come, our what may come, I will show love... And a smile.
This may not always be true but I fui strive for all of these ideals.
Love, peace, and joy to you all.

esmio06: (Default)

It does not remove the love. As much as it hurts, I still believe in my heart that she was the one.


Oct. 22nd, 2016 10:57 pm
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You are the story of how my heart broke
When people look back and tell the tale
When country singers write the lyrics
When tears fall from children's eyes
As the dirge plays that tells the tale
The ages will remember
that you are the story of how my heart broke

esmio06: (Default)

This had been an emotional day hanging or with mom. Thinking a lot about the ex while here. It had been a while since I have felt like this, so it is good that this is not a daily thing.
Talking to mom was great and tough, as always. It is hard to see the decline.


Oct. 2nd, 2016 11:45 pm
esmio06: (Default)

I skipped my ten minutes writing tonight. Finished my painting though.

esmio06: (Default)
ok so here I am on the third day, i think, of doing the ten minutes a day of just writing. I actually think i am seeing effects from this exercise already. It is hard, at times, to figure out what to say. I dont really have any stories in me right now. Nothing burning to get out; however, last time i did this drill it took a few weeks before I started feeling stories in me. I do like the fact that I am painting again.
I started some new meds today. You know as I think about this,i dont really think I should spend the ten minutes writing about reality or journaling. That is for other types of posts. Here I just want to let words flow and say whatever they will or will not say.
So I have no story that goes with the keyboard telling me about my chair. I was hoping if i kept going back to it, something would evolve. But dead end there.
Red the color red.
nope, nothing else. just that. No lines of mystery or humor. Just red.
I think that in time some of my pain might find a way out through some of this exercise. I have no idea what to expect.
It slows me down correcting all my tyupos. So I always joke that my super power is my typos. I wonder what that would look like:
TypoMan. Alter ego is not so mild mannered computer geek who likes to paint. Spellchecker is his nemesis. He is fighting for comfusion. Maybe Im a super villain not a super hero. But i think Im the hero of the story. I reap confusion where ever I type. My messages always lead to wrong, but funny, conclusioins.
I htink this is a doable character. Lol. Well I wouold do him at least. now what did typo man get himself into today.
At work at his corporate job, Typoman, the world knows him as david, sends an email to his CFO. What could go wrong?
Masking plans for a weekend getaway with his girlfriend, he texts last minute changes in plans to his girlfriend... harmles enough right???
Ordering new dress slacks from a tailor online, the beginnings of drag typowoman???
Yeah all sound pretty dull, but put George Costaqnza in as the lead role and boom a new comedy.
Special guest appearances by Zacm Braff.

Typos are not corrected in this edition.
Night all
esmio06: (Default)
Som, hey \Keys whats up
Nada, you David
Well, actually I have been painting again.
Yup this writing to release creativity thing might just be working some. I could hardly tear myself away from the painting tonight.
Wow. That is cool. You have one messed up brain
huh! wtf
Well you are basically tricking yourself into doing what you want
Nah. Im actually just getting the creative juices flowing in a very basic way. And it is spilling over.
btw Keys, you were going to tell me why my chair was a different height every Monday
Was I?
Yes you were
ok so this is a long story and not sure how much of I can tell before you fall asleep on me. You know how great I am with words and stuff.
Just get on with it
ok ok
(keys starts twirling his chord)
when we moved to the fourth floor was when you first noticed it right?
Im actually not sure but that sounds about right
so blah blah blah and then yada yada so then there she was
you actually just said blah blah and yada yada
oh I though that was my internal dialogue, sorry
So around 8PM on Firday nights, the last of the people leave and about an hour after that the auto lights turn off. Yes that guy never bothers to turn off the light for an entire floor when he leaves...
well it is dark then and I cant see
you cant see anyways... no eyes remember
yes but i have more than enough "i"s
ugh really?
hey this is my story are you going to let me tell it or not?
go on
fortunately my internal clock keeps running
wait you have an internal clock, thought just the motherboard did?
Nope, we all do now. Welcome to the internet of things
wow cool
So around Midnight on Saturday nights, a flashlight comes bouncing down the hall...
esmio06: (Default)
Hey keyboard, been a long time
what do you mean, David? You have been typing on me all morning, like nonstop
Yes, true. I mean since we talked
Oh yeah that has been years. Actually I think that was a different keyboard.
Good point. what cna I call you?
I dont know, how about keys
ok keys sounds good.
So, david, you got anything interesting to say?
not yet
Well this ought to be real fun for me then. How about work, anything interesting going on there?
Yes actually. I just wrote a couple development plans to help my engineers get ahead in their careers.
I said "interesting."
gee thanks. Im sitting here listening to them do a conference call and they are on speaker phone so it is hard to think.
No just a statement.
I have a bunch of concerts coming up. I am looking forward to doing different things
PMJ, Henry rollins, Pet shop Boys, Sia, and Stevie Nicks
any cool trips?
None planned officially, but think im going to Florida and baton rouge in October. Then hopefully the carribean in November.
this is the very definition of small chat, you know that?
Yeah. But, I really dont feel like i have anything to say right now.
Well my life is pretty interesting. You wold be surprised what goes on when you are not here. I would get a camera if I were you.
Well, let's just say that your cube is not bored when you are away.
really? do tell?
Do I look like a snitch?
You started this
what do yo umean? Im AM you so you started this
ok dont blow the illusion. It ruins the flow
You dont ruin the flow
very funny. get back in character Keys
Oh ok. I swear no sense of humor today david
So what goes on in my cube when im away?
Get a camera
really, not even a hint?
David, remember that bar you owned in hell? well...
Holy shit, yes. really, stuff like that?
No. I was going to say it was nothing like that but you interrupted me.
Smart ass
I dont have an ass
So why is my chair a different height every Monday?
Well David...
esmio06: (Default)

I have had a great time this weekend.
I'm finally ready to grieve some.  I let myself Listen to sad songs and cry. I had been avoiding that because i did not want it to spiral.  I was ankle to do that and move on.  Not that I'm near done grieving, but i am making progress

esmio06: (Default)

I do love the ocean but after a long drive, my defenses are down. I miss her

March 2017

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