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esmio06virgo:
Sunday, May 18th, 2008 -- Even if you are anxious about your feelings, it's healthier to express them than to keep them to yourself. Although this may go against your natural inclination, take a chance. Beware; once you begin to share, it may be difficult to stop. Stir up whatever seems most stuck and expect your words to be catalytic.
Start off, last night was a blast. Had a great night over all. Got to beat people, got my pictur take a lot, over all just a great cut loose time.
(note here she did absolutely nothing to instigate any of this feeling last night. This was all me)
Then had a couple just nice chats with the most incredible person i have ever known. Yes, I still love her and seeing her smile, seeing her eyes, hell even seeing her antics reminded me yet again how much. I hope I wasnt offensive to anybody. i went outside after a while, cried a little went back inside and ended up talking to her in a room alone. Mainly just chatting abuot music on her myspace, nothing deep. Man I dont care what anybody says, she is just the most wonderful person I know. (please dont be offended friends different kind of wonderful). There is a song by Alabama, Feels so Right, It does not matter to me what has happened, It does not matter to me that I know it will never happen I t just matters to me, that whnen I sit down next to her, or look in her eyes, or hear her voice it Feels so right.
It feels like home, like where i have always belonged, like what I was searching for all those years of flirting around never giving my heart away is right here and everything, no matter what it is will be ok.
Then reality sets in, Im not home. She is not mine, nor will she ever be again. Im just a shell again and 3 months feels like 3 minutes.
Some days I wish we had never met, but that feeling passes of course, because I am still grateful as fuck for having had the chance to fel that deep of love.
Most days im able to be numb to it and do the things that help me fake it, help me hide it away so that i cna continue trying to move on.
But right now even those feel so fake. I go out,I flirt, I stay socially busy, I work out, all in hope that at some point my heart will buried enough, or memory faded enough that it will seem more like a dream than reality. And to me that feels like such a shame. It was real. It was great and I just dont understand. (not completely true, of course I understand some logically, she is young, she needs to be free and live life. She is right).
As everything fades away, now, that was that life,it is so weird how just a glimpse in those eyes can bring back so much: walking down the aisle at Publix to get sake or dog food, sitting on that gross futon laughing, holding cricket in one hand wondering if this puppy would even live a week, hearing her voice when I was out of town and she would call me, riding to the beach on 2 days straight of no sleep.
in a little while i will post my 3 things I am grateful for.
Sunday, May 18th, 2008 -- Even if you are anxious about your feelings, it's healthier to express them than to keep them to yourself. Although this may go against your natural inclination, take a chance. Beware; once you begin to share, it may be difficult to stop. Stir up whatever seems most stuck and expect your words to be catalytic.
Start off, last night was a blast. Had a great night over all. Got to beat people, got my pictur take a lot, over all just a great cut loose time.
(note here she did absolutely nothing to instigate any of this feeling last night. This was all me)
Then had a couple just nice chats with the most incredible person i have ever known. Yes, I still love her and seeing her smile, seeing her eyes, hell even seeing her antics reminded me yet again how much. I hope I wasnt offensive to anybody. i went outside after a while, cried a little went back inside and ended up talking to her in a room alone. Mainly just chatting abuot music on her myspace, nothing deep. Man I dont care what anybody says, she is just the most wonderful person I know. (please dont be offended friends different kind of wonderful). There is a song by Alabama, Feels so Right, It does not matter to me what has happened, It does not matter to me that I know it will never happen I t just matters to me, that whnen I sit down next to her, or look in her eyes, or hear her voice it Feels so right.
It feels like home, like where i have always belonged, like what I was searching for all those years of flirting around never giving my heart away is right here and everything, no matter what it is will be ok.
Then reality sets in, Im not home. She is not mine, nor will she ever be again. Im just a shell again and 3 months feels like 3 minutes.
Some days I wish we had never met, but that feeling passes of course, because I am still grateful as fuck for having had the chance to fel that deep of love.
Most days im able to be numb to it and do the things that help me fake it, help me hide it away so that i cna continue trying to move on.
But right now even those feel so fake. I go out,I flirt, I stay socially busy, I work out, all in hope that at some point my heart will buried enough, or memory faded enough that it will seem more like a dream than reality. And to me that feels like such a shame. It was real. It was great and I just dont understand. (not completely true, of course I understand some logically, she is young, she needs to be free and live life. She is right).
As everything fades away, now, that was that life,it is so weird how just a glimpse in those eyes can bring back so much: walking down the aisle at Publix to get sake or dog food, sitting on that gross futon laughing, holding cricket in one hand wondering if this puppy would even live a week, hearing her voice when I was out of town and she would call me, riding to the beach on 2 days straight of no sleep.
in a little while i will post my 3 things I am grateful for.
