The Dark Side of the Sun

Years fly by
Little did I think that I would be 49 already. Just a few minutes ago I was in my twenties, living in my car and trying to figure out who I wanted to be. Now, I'm almost 49 years old. That blows my mind.
The number of different people I have been so far in this life amazes me. Each of them had plans and drains that seen so unrelated. Well some of them have had common ground. I have been through several iterations of David since finally landing in a career. Even while those stated focused in one area, work, they diverged in almost every other.
One thread I can think of that has remained constant is my desire to help others. I have never forgotten where I have been and am fortunate to see my struggles in others.
Through these brief lifetimes, over the lady 49 years, I have had so many I wanted to say to so many people. But those words went unspoken. Usually it was fear that kept me from speaking. I think this iteration of David has done better with facing that fear.
This thought was triggered by a line of a perm, I will one day write, that kept running through my head, " oh, the plans that I made for the words that I saved."
I haven't written anything,  except work stuff and political diatribes, in so long that I don't even know if words will flow any more.
I need a good pen, a notebook and a noisy bar. Maybe this weekend :)
I sure have the pain welling in me. The asset needs to come out somehow. Painting isn't a release right now; so, maybe back to some rambling.

I really hope when trump dies of natural causes, he comes back as an ameba trapped in the bowels of a lactose intolerant cheese eater

Well I have been doing good not really thinking about the season, working out and playing video games for entertainment. Plan ijeju tomorrow then a friend's for dinner.
However, today is not good. I'm fighting loneliness and depression.

Well I did not get to go to Mexico. It was not my fear that stopped me. Mom took a turn for the worse and I had to go home for a few days. She is eating again so that is good, but they don't think it will be for very long. This is a normal phase.
I habe known this was coming for the last decade. I just did not think I would be facing out sooner. Ok that is not fair I have great friends and family. But still...

So I had told myself I would wait a year after the break io before looking for another relationship while working on myself. Now, eight months into that, I'm second guessing that.
Opinions?

Most humans are forgotten to have ever existed after two generations.

I remember reading Gilgamesh as a teen. Yes I know I was weird. The thought stuck with me: immortality is being remembered. How will my life impact others and how long will it be remembered? Those were the questions that drove a lot of my character formation.

NoW, life over half over and I have been truly lucky. Another thing that struck me at Young age: a man can count himself truly blessed is, at his death bed, he can count two true friends. I have more true friends than I can count. I have a very successful career. I have treated love (thought it was lost, I have tasted it). Yet, I know that, like the rest of the world, within two generations, I still have never existed.
It is not an easy calling to leave a lasting impact on the world. Hell, it is not an easy calling to leave am impact on a family name. Very few ever achieve it, and thus we remember their names and deeds.
My heart has to change. I, in all likelihood will not impact anything enough to be remembered in one hundred years. It is fairly narcissistic to think I could.
The question note lies in the arena: what can I do for true lasting happiness now; if there is no eternal remembrance to be achieved? I know this life is but party of a journey. What foundation do I note lay for the future parts?
I look back, at a life over half complete, and think of the best memories. Those were always in service to others. Bringing a smile to somebody's face, helping a strange, lnowing that I had helped alleviate any suffering, these were the brightest moments. Of course having a family and being a step dad was the brightest by far, but assuming that path is now past, the true happiness seems to only be found in helping others.
So, reflecting on that thought, in my successful career, there is very little room our time for that. Do I now look to a new career, that will pay less that a quarter what I now make, where I can help others; our, do I try to find a way to help other while doing what I now do?
These are but questions for anybody reading. They are the questions I must answer myself.
"When I hurt most, then may I help most.  When I have joy, may I not relish in it; rather, may I find a way of spreading the joy."
When I was a teenager, a have myself a credo, " may all those who pass through my life be better for having known me." I fall short of it so often; but, it has always been in the back of my mind. This is not a statement of how good I am.  It is a challenge to myself. Show love. Show compassion. Show gratitude. Not by my words, but by my life may these ideals be shown.
No matter what had come, our what may come, I will show love... And a smile.
This may not always be true but I fui strive for all of these ideals.
Love, peace, and joy to you all.

You are the story of how my heart broke
When people look back and tell the tale
When country singers write the lyrics
When tears fall from children's eyes
As the dirge plays that tells the tale
The ages will remember
that you are the story of how my heart broke

I skipped my ten minutes writing tonight. Finished my painting though.

I have had a great time this weekend.
I'm finally ready to grieve some.  I let myself Listen to sad songs and cry. I had been avoiding that because i did not want it to spiral.  I was ankle to do that and move on.  Not that I'm near done grieving, but i am making progress